Everything seems like it's falling apart. & on top of everything my step dad took my straightner, curling iron, and keyboard. He is trying to say I left it on, but I checked. He just doesn't like me because my mom ignores him for me. I am in trouble for not getting a Idaho driver's license yet since I moved from Wyoming for school. I have to pay for school & find a job. I need to be 107 by my brother's graduation. I have a new bf who is amazing & really thought I was perfect but I can't help being self concious & socially awkward around him.:( My ex fiance is treating me like some kind of whore just because he says my new bf has "abs like the rockies". My step dad hating me is affecting my mom's marriage and idk what to do. I just want to be 107, my degree, be a vet tech, an apartment, somewhere I belong with a family. Right now it feels like that's not going to ever happen. This may sound dramatic but I feel like I'm drowning, fighting for air, and no one is going to save me. I'm not so sure I can save myself this time & I'm tired of fighting alone and for everyone else, I wish someone would fight along side me or even for me. I am always there for everyone else in my life, but where are they when I need them?
Fasted successfully for 14 days until I had a panic attack brought on by "starvation" today & my friend called the ambulance. They made me a alfredo & salad. I didn't eat that much but I still feel like crap. Want to start on another fast tomorrow. I thought I would want to kill myself right now, but I guess 14 days isn't too bad. I think tonight ill take some laxatives & start again tomorrow. Hope I didnt lose all my progress.
Why don't I quit? Because nothing hurts more thanks being me. The hunger/starvation hurts, feeling like you are going to pass out, trouble breathing, & heart problems. But the dissapointment, never knowing, feeling not good enough-hurts so much more. I would rather die than feel that way. That is why even if it kills me I will keep going. I'm sorry if you don't understand.
I can't take this anymore my class is so stressful, starting a new job with a crazy schedule, & trying to get my friend to give me the $ she's supposed to give me. & I feel disgusting because my body now relies on laxatives & I'm out. I just want to have everything paid for, settled, & buy my gym membership. I have to be ready by May, I just have to. Everybody in my hometown who let me down & those who look up to me want to see me & I need to look astonishing. I just want to cry, fall asleep, & wakeup to everything being okay.